Lauren’s Blog

PHOTOS

“The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members.”

Coretta Scott King

“When we look deeply at a flower, we can see the whole cosmos contained in it.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

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BLOGS

The following reflections are my stream of consciousness notes that I recorded each day using my phone’s “Notes” feature.

Remember: $1US=$2BZ. Trash on side of roads. Speed bumps to regulate lack of speed limits and lights and lines? Infrastructure like a backroads in NC. House upon house appears to be worn down shacks: half built, mixed metals and wood, tarp and cloth used to patch. So glad everyone speaks English–it eases the stress of travel a bit. Stilt houses, every house appears to a junkyard, burn pile. Fruit and food stands everywhere. Bus stops everywhere. Billboard about child sex laws–must be a problem here. Schools everywhere: run down, religious…are they public? They look like compounds—or boarding schools with fences and dorms. Churches look like ones at home: small houses. Busses look like they are from the 50’s and 60’s–how are they still running? Half built structures everywhere: big rectangle concrete bricks…what is being built? Fences with barbed wire, fences made with natural wood posts (broken limbs maybe). Smoking vegetation…burning for farmland or burning trash or wildfire? Power lines are similar to USA—wooden, alongside road. Passed by an “open zoo” — I want to go! No lights on roads—what’s that like at night?? Wildlife must be everywhere like deer back home…what kind of wildlife are here? Predators? Tree and fruit farms everywhere; David also mentioned there’s many shrimp and tilapia farms as well as sugar cane farms, but tourism is #1 for the economy. Where are the gas stations? We’ve been driving forever. Metal Bars sticking straight up on roof of house, is this for keeping wildlife off the top of your house? Construction areas look super dangerous and there’s limited barriers. Hitchhikers between bus stops–never see that at home anymore (saw it in the 90s a lot). Toddler on bike in side of road–he must know what is safe and what isn’t. One lane bridges remind me of bridges in small boroughs in upstate, NY. Again, churches are everywhere. Stopped at a Hopkins grocery store: got basics; things seemed expired because there was a film of dust. Parent note: husband sent video of son saying he missed me and loved me.

At School: Kids trickling in, walking, on bikes, alone, with parents. One parent dropped child off on dirt bike. Some in uniform, some not. Conversations with little kids: favorite colors, favorite thing about school: exams (what?!). Bell rang at 8:40AM: kids are kids wherever you go (girl cliques, boys horse playing kicking each other), kids line up at doo for prayer and songs (Lord’s Prayer, Hail Mary, Amen, Belize National Anthem, enter classrooms–that’s a process!). School is free from infant 1 to middle school (grade 8). 18 teachers: some live in Hopkins, some catch bus here. 8th grade graduation was last week but school still in–many students not coming because graduation is over. Thinking of my kids at home who live this simply but are surrounded by excess; these kids are not surrounded by excess–I wonder if how mental heath compares with families in poverty in both countries. My classroom assignment (eek!) boys are a bit rowddy–not different from the States, but the teacher did not help at all with discipline. One boy in the class previously lived in Kansas and is planning a visit in the coming weeks to Colorado. Recess/snack time (no bell…kids just seem to know when to break): mango and oranges with salt and pepper. Little kids handling knives. Not much structure like the States. The kids wanted to see pictures of my son in my assigned classroom. Kids in my classroom dream of joining the Coast Guard, Dive Master, Soldier, Singer, Football/Soccer; snack #2: fresh squeezed juice, Bell rang and kids ran off: they can go home for lunch (a long lunch: 1.5 hours!). Feeling left out and jealous: everyone else’s classrooms stuck to plan and did vision board where we had to focus on classroom management and could not get much work done. Education of teachers: Associates or Bachelors (sounds like the same license process as the States). Little girl playing with my hair Hair said, “it’s going to break…!”   On Fridays: to dress out, they pay a US dollar. Principal explained: after 8th grade students choose to get a job in the community until gainful employment can be had at age 18, or go to high school (have to pay for it), or go to vocational school (have to pay for it). If they want to go to college they typically go to vocational school first. School is required from ages 5-14 by government. Snuck away to the herbal healer, Krishna, since none of my students in my classroom came back. He got us fresh coconut water He has two kids in Washington state. “We are all on the same vibration” — he is so yogic. I could live here with him. Biggest reflection from HFRC: kids are kids wherever you go: similar personality traits/clique patterns, rowdy boys, sweet faces/eyes, AND teachers are teachers (classroom decorations), AND parents have the same struggles and desires for their children. The simplicity of living and maturity of rituals and expectations (transportation, prayer, snacks, learning time)—these students didn’t seem to pity themselves like my students pity themselves in the States for having less or seeming less than in comparison to peers. There is a pure grit and resilience. Career-wise, my kids have been stubborn in unrealistic career goals, but these kids are realistic in their goals and dreams and have backup plans (both careers related to their hobbies, interests, and community-driven, which is similar to the technical school revival that is trying to happen in Pitt county—get education/go off to college but come back to the community when you are done getting educated. But my kids seem to just float through high school without a plan until they are forced…so the choice to go to high school, trade school or work from 14-18 is a model that I think encourages a mature self-awareness that our kids in the US aren’t forced to face and struggle with until life plops it in their lap and forces them to look within. Parent note: daycare teacher reminder for field trip; voicemail for new school paperwork pickup–momming/family management never stops

At Garifuna: boat ride was short but loved it because it was remote…no lights on water at night…stars and moon shine. British Literature/English Teacher vibes: good with the French and Spanish but not with English. The evil brought upon nations from the English have strengthened so many cultures around the world…almost like someone who has been abused by others and are at peace with their abusers/thank their abusers because they have become stronger. The downside is so many cultures and families have been so scattered and displaced and culture is lost when community scatters (like my family…reminded me of growing up). Process of picking dress, the mood of the group suddenly changed (tired?). Child rearing: if a mom can’t find their child, they are probably at the water (mom=safety, water is where they first learned where to be safe with mom in learning how to swim). So incredibly sweet. The 0-1-0 concept related to yoga’s 8-limbed path’s idea or dharana and dyhana (meditation process of going from unmanifest to manifest to unmanifest). Mother Earth and female God — this place really speaks to me. The idea of the harmony of opposites also relates to Āyurveda. The earth provides: herbs in garden, cassava yuca is like an MRE (three parts: insecticide, food/bread, infant food). Theory: “I for you, you for me….you are free to give, free to receive.” Made food with our host, we ate together…these processes are still a part of the modern food processing, which is so lovely — reminds me of growing up. Drumming was fun (Boom Boom’s “Thdddddd!”). Our time was extended because we were “so open and diverse.” #blessupdontstressup.

Mayan Cultural Experience: talking about RCT on the car ride there with Avant-Harris…made me cry in the instant she talked about “growth in the disconnection” (working through personal woes). Indigenous peoples. Greeted with lovely coconuts and flowers. Shaman and his co-leader (I affectionally dubbed him the “hype man”). Talked about spiritual healing, domestic violence, women’s reproductive health. Spiritual healers disconnect people from evil (story of epilepsy of daughter). They have a child and have to take care of the child on their own because that’s their decision (no grandparent/sibling/family help like expected at home). Carrying babies on head. Feminine connectivity: sisters, mom, cousin, little girls. So appreciative of how open the women/sisters were. The side conversations are magnetic and energized. Forgot about no electricity, running water. Freedom of choice for marriage/common law: women can make choices over life, women’s reproductive health. Checking in on the table as started eating, “Everyone have enough?” just like my grandma. Cocoa bean drink is amazing. Mama dog. Dance, big skirts, shirts. Tortillas with salt–yummmm. Realization: cooking and mindful meditation. Canadian student there doing—medicinal anthropology internship. Culture is open to marriage and kids out of wedlock. Religion/spirituality only works if you believe in it (voodoo, black magick/roots). Modern day roles: cruise ship jobs (men cook, women clean…that’s upsetting because they want their own choice, not be told what gender does what job). Back in the day: women were naked but tourism took that away (busses coming by, etc). Coconut husks was like snapping peas. Just realized: no blessing before food. Louis V hanging from rafters!. Strong hustle selling art at end. Parent note: no messages form husband today–I had to initiate communication. He said he missed me but sent no video of son.

Waterfall Excursion: warm drinking water (similar to warm beer in London…a/c and cold water are specialties). We were going snorkeling but water too rocky so we went to waterfall. First trip without David. Shane is our driver. The owner of Mayan excursion place was from Fayetteville (previous owner a basketball team and moved here in 1981.. His kids are in Peace Corps in Fiji.–what a life. He described the property as the Land of the Lost (eek!). Property previously Chiquita banana farm and now a grapefruit and orange Tropicana farm. Ran out of food at lunch but portions were enormous! Car ride: everyone seems to be sharing their “stories” little by little…so powerful and meaningful and celebratory to do this and heal like this together–so empowering. In the same breath: what’s the stage in groups where people get tired of each other?? That happened today.

Fire at gift shop.

Garifuna Drumming and Dancing: Crishelle (little girl) asked me if I swam in the pool and if she could swim with me, Said I was really pretty, Asked me to be her mom. Asked me to take her and her sister to the bathroom, Asked about my mosquito bracelet. Hugged me three times and said “Bye” several times. She kept looking for me at end. We’ve seen the kids a few times over the past few days …they are getting used to us…how unfair is it to never come back? Or is that a God-complex thought?

Fire at chicken shack across street. Sounded like power-washing the sides of building–it was rollin’! Fire trucks not responding…literally the fire brigade…closest fire station 30-40 minutes away. This would never happen in the US.

Several people sick/head cold symptoms (eek!). Knee pain off the charts–starting to freak out. Other group (white missionaries) at school before us (eek!). Before we got out of the car at the school we discussed how differently the black and white students were being treated by locals (thinking they are not American) and white tourists acting rude. Most peers expressed they didn’t like talking to tourists because they made them uncomfortable, so I took that upon myself to use my whiteness to investigate these tourists a bit more (I can’t help my curiosity). I started a conversation with one from missionary and gathered some more information about their group and their mission and purpose. One of the girls was an ECU alum. Organization is called kidsconnect4jesus: each week the company has people come to the schools. They have built things for the school (pavilion, benches, etc.) so the commitment makes sense. Saying “Bye” to my classroom: kids remembered what we talked about, exchanged cultural similarities and differences, Crumb showed video of her family dancing (I was thinking…what would I have shared…I don’t have much cultural structure anymore because I do not live near my family anymore and all Italians are dead…but I have adopted my husbands family’s culture). Watching the interactions of these Americans from VA with these kids made me sick to my stomach.

Knee reflections: when trip started I announced that I am OMAD but then I ate lunch and snacks with everyone and then I go the extreme knee pain…I felt that I needed people to understand and then I went against myself…I felt I was going to be judged like I am at home but I wouldn’t have been judged…in hindsight I should have stuck to my truth and loved that confidently and with ease but instead I carried the judgement from US with me and let that affect my lifestyle which ended up harming me physically…if I were home I would have gone to hospital the pain was that extreme.

David shared the beauty of the Flamboyant tree.

“Poverty” reflection: I think the simplistic way of life is beautiful and it’s something I am trying to embrace myself in my yogic journey…but in USA it’s like you would not be allowed to live that way (e.g. health codes, construction codes, fire codes, peer pressure/commercialization, etc.) unless you were living the commune lifestyle.

On the way to Belize City: car that passed us we saw a few minutes later flipped over–bad accident on road…on a curve…knew something was up because I saw a guy running down the hill before the curve seemingly runnnig to nothing but he was actually running for a purpose…then saw the car and it made sense why he was running.

Rural themes: bus stops, free range animals, selling fruit on side of road, houses that look abandoned, half built structures, slow food service but fresh food compared to US, fires in fields, open air buildings.

Quietest van ride so far on the way to Belize City.

Belmopan District Intro: capital, government buildings and embassies, three-mile circle people use for exercise, different windows on houses (bars and glass windows not “breeze” windows like in Hopkins). This is ”hot Belize” one of the hottest districts. Chinese-owned stores theme (with a hint of distaste for the word “Chinese” when locals describe these buildings).

Goldson House: Belize and Guatemala struggles…house is used to educate Belizians about how they can vote on upcoming issues with Guatemala. The whole history is not taught in school…in USA you learn real history in college (sometimes)…in Belize you learn via door to door historians before periods of voting. Slavery: some Belizeans don’t like talking about British slavery because of stigma…but they have to address the slavery to claim freedom from UK and to avoid political overtaking from others. Theme of common law marriages and concubines among different Belizean cultures…because of Catholicism? Expense? Mahogany theme. House vs. field slaves and colorism.

Drumming: fertility rhythm and with full moon several days before during and after–I could totally live this lifestyle. Creole drumming like yoga’s pranayama (controlling life force). Drum has spirit of tree and cow and person playing…different drums represent different elements (e.g. earth, water, fire)…these concepts are eternally universal…drumming = unity. Drummer seemed “blissed out” — I love his energy. He believes everyone should go to Africa because it’s everyone’s home (reminds me of my college history professor…a white Muslim and North African-enthusiast. Drummer says the fear of Africa is created outside of Africa (so true).

Prep for Community Center: intros, what are your needs?, self-awareness reflections, tools to use with clients (Johari’s window, drawing twins), discussion questions. We got this.

Trip there: no car seats. Children on handle bars. Noticed that I don’t see people smoking here.

Exchange reflection: so many similar challenges in the work but stark differences too in the profession…intro and questions were awesome…activities were fun and awesome…scheduling self care. They thought counseling wasn’t a problem in the US because we are so rich but they learned that it’s universal…governments don’t care about mental health as much as they need to. Community learning exchange: their energy was open and vibrations were positive and perfect for a CE experience. Read a room, be flexible, ebb and flow…counseling skills in the moment.

Parent note: driving by a woman rubbing her son’s hair on the side of the road on the way to lunch and it made me really miss my son. My heart is in my throat. Don’t cry.

Lunch: David showing me the bantam tree, sea grapes. City vs country: still have the thought “Damn, people live there…”; “vote yes” tagged on buildings in spray paint in city vs. country (city is more political), everyone with a job wears collared shirts with baggy sleeves, humor and love in signage.

University of Belize Learning Exchange: Still can’t get over that school cost money after 8th grade. Age 16 is typically the age of adulthood, 18 to drink…chores at 6/7, cook at 9. Department of health and UNICEF see trends in rising bullying, cyber bullying, crime, gender based violence, organized crime. $70/credit hour for social work bachelors…we have to sponsor a student. Personal goal: sponsor a Counselor Ed student to study abroad and sponsor a Belizean student to get social work degree. Teaching SW/CO how to enter home, sit, eat, etc.—totally different spin to multiculturally aware counseling than in US! Tricky: dual relationships, walk home don’t drive home; live in same community; buy food from people you work with; etc.

The Inspiration Center: I didn’t feel equipped to help but then I realize I was equipped because I am a mom and advocate. It turned out to be a psychoeducational group. Legal system failing the country OR is it people failing themselves? Or is it no failure at all? Is it just culture? Great experience because there were so many group leaders in my peers. Group content: expect the unexpected, felt nervous that we couldn’t provide what they needed because we don’t have experience or aren’t done with the masters program. Strength: I was torn because I didn’t want to lead anything today…switching my mindset in the moment…thinking on my feet to change my energy…I’m hearing themes of _____ (get momentum going by reflecting content/paraphrasing) when no one started the conversation. Missed opportunity: silence in group (second times I spoke I probably didn’t need to speak because momentum would have come, I was just itching to relate to the mom about legislation/grassroots needs). Client empathy was similar to helping people as a substance abuse counselor (I’ve never used so I can’t help)–yes you can.

Spoonaz: processing, group storming (still?), spiny-tail iguana; TEP mission: serve, learn, and explore–we did it all!

Integrated Health (Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners/PNPs): psych wards are no longer—they are treated in homes now…sometimes stay for a few days or weeks, mobile units, psychotropic meds, digitalized notes for ease of patient into transfer/electronic health records, private day treatment centers (not government), integrated health working well (MH guide for docs and nurses for treatment or referral…PNPs take “extreme cases”). Crisis=family member and police take the “sick” person to the port health center…rare for someone to be abandoned…community supports community, family supports family…they “come around” even if they don’t initially commit to helping family member who is committed. Port health officers: pick up homeless for Day Center every 2-3 days (CTP program)…also do mobile clinic…all based out of central health region. Visiting/foreign doctors: if they know Spanish it’s helpful but if they “mess up” they are asked to leave. “Once crazy not always crazy…treat person as person.” Insensitive language? “If you’re problem is bigger than God, he can’t help you so suicide is the answer but have to get people to remember God.” Woah. Not wanting to/scared to take medications: taper on and off…hardest thing: trying to treat someone with no insight…educate patient with family…give options (tablet or injection, as example)…have to develop trust. Theme: higher ed options = England, Canada, USA. Patients not only need psych services they need medical attention…that’s why integrative health works here. PNPs can prescribe but not all Caribbean PNPs can…these girls (two) are from the second PNP group in Belize to graduate.

So glad I was able to practice yoga almost every day. Days I could not practice asana, I meditated. So glad I stuck to vegetarianism. It was not as tempting to eat meat as anticipated. I liked Hopkins better. Josh and I should go again next year. I wish I bought that fanny pack in Belize. This trip was one day too long. Speed bumps everywhere. Sad to leave Dave. Sad to leave Brittany. Sad to leave Eulanda.

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Reconnect: to yourself, to others, to God and take note of the signs life sends you. “There is growth in the disconnection” (-Dr. Avent-Harris).

Fire: passion takes effort; you can’t deny what keeps you going since the innate ignition to that passion is always there, just waiting for the host to decide to spark it.

Leisure: take time and be in the moment every moment to live with wellness and settle into ease after the effort .

My husband tells me that I am the most determined person he knows: whatever goal I’ve had, I’ve reached; so, why have I felt so empty for so long?

DHARMA: the past two years have brought radical reflection and change into my personal life. Quotes like, “What you seek is seeking you” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be” have creeped into my life in sublime ways and I cannot ignore or fight the evolution of who I have always been and how that is manifesting into who I am finally becoming. Everything is coming full circle.

I graduated high school and ran away from a physical location that reminded me of traumatic childhood events. I could have stayed and gone into professional firefighting but I had to leave. I got into several colleges as a first-generation college student and picked the one out of the seven that felt like home: ECU. I fulfilled my family’s “American Dream” and had so much fun in my undergraduate years–even though there was still some darkness as well. I graduated with my first degree with plans on moving back home and getting a “glamour health and wellness job” until I fell in love and instead rooted myself in my college town with my new family. I couldn’t find a job in Greenville matching my degree, so I went back to school to become a High School English teacher (because I found a talent in teaching in my sorority leadership roles and my campus job as a wellness educator in undergrad). I graduated and had three job offers. I took the one closest to my home with my new husband. As an English teacher, I felt like a “fraud” (I was great at teaching, I loved linguistics, history, grammar and writing, but I was not so great at reading and knowing all the books. There were many English snobs I could never be compared to). I also noticed a pull toward wanting to meet the needs of the whole child in my second year of teaching instead of just English, and after seeing major workplace culture red flags that called upon the activist in me, I applied to graduate school for counseling. I graduated in May 2019; the program was amazing and I finally felt like I was finding myself. Additionally, during this program, I rediscovered my love and talents for crisis response from my fire/rescue days through a niche counseling focus: Military and Trauma Counseling certificate program. I was meant for this. I am good at this. I love it. I can do so many things with this degree and could explore my skills in so many ways. For now, my talents are being put to use as a School Counselor at a school I love with coworkers that I adore. However, in January, I started to think, “what’s next?” professionally because peers and professors and colleagues believe it’s the doctorate route. This sparked an inner struggle that started in December/January through graduation in May: something still felt like it was missing. And when something is missing in my life I usually don’t stop until I can define it.

So, I immersed myself in this career confusion and decided to take all the opportunities that came my way to see if I could find answers. I spoke with and met recruiters from several doctorate programs and conducted research with colleagues to explore doctorate options; I learned about the trip to Belize and decided to go (planning to take the class after graduating with my master’s degree–so, really for no particular reason, I just felt like it might help me figure a few things out while having fun); to help myself become marketable in case I decided to leave the school setting for the clinical setting (working in disaster mental health and/or with military populations) after graduation, I submitted my NCC and LPCA applications; and simultaneously, I started a yoga teacher training program.

I did not realize how impactful Belize would actually be for me. The connections and clarity I experienced in Belize are indescribable. I had been working through some personal things along with the major professional goal confusion before Belize. The tiniest of moments in Belize made my personal and professional problems come to the surface and boil over into profound solutions with precise clarity. I didn’t even realize it fully while living in the blissful moments of Belize. It wasn’t until two days after returning from traveling that it overwhelmed me. I realized several things: I just don’t have the desire to become a professor, I’ve never been in love with the school setting although I am so good at my job, I want to be a part-time counselor and maybe even fully volunteer-only, my yogic journey has radically changed my spirituality in ways that leave me feeling spiritually secure for the first time in my life, and finally, I need to finally give into the whispers (or roars) back to fire/rescue and explore it professionally–infusing teaching, counseling, and yogic skills into this life-long and vibrational professional goal.

The first thing I did after resting from my travels was go to a career fair for fire/rescue; everything was right, and the decision to pursue this career shift feels cosmic. Belize helped me realize I have to feed my spiritual self before finding my talent. I’ve denied my spirituality and talents so many times taking paths where I shined bits and pieces of my greatness but not my full potential. Now, listening to myself fully and taking committed action, I feel I’m finally merging into my dharma. The 13-year journey of self-discovery has felt long but I’ve never felt this fulfilled and excited. Spirituality in Belize allowed me to pay attention to synchronicity and reoccurring themes that kept popping up in my life. I’ve followed callings to fire/rescue, health and wellness coaching, teaching, counseling, yoga, and now, back to fire/rescue and I have this radical acceptance of who I am, who I have meant to become, and I finally have no more excuses to ignore or deny or judge the sublime guidance toward this decision.

“You are free to give, free to receive.”

-A Garifuna Quote